So, how was the cousin’s wedding in New York you went to, Sandy?

Oh it was good, Linda.  I now have a whole list of things I will NOT do if I ever get the chance to make a wedding for Katy.

Like what?

Like, hire a visually impaired florist.

The flowers were bad?

Hideous!!  Big blobs of flowers, like hydrangeas and dark blue and dark red roses around them that made them look like really ugly hats, just sort of stuck on the chuppah.

Sounds awful.  What about the food?

I thought I would starve!!

Not enough?

Well, they passed around a few things which were inedible, and they had these big hors d’oeuvres tables with nothing on them except a big scooped-out bread with congealed brie and a basket of Ritz crackers.

That’s it?

There was a plate of so-called grilled vegetables, but they looked very oily.

Did you eat them?

No, don’t you remember the no-drip rule when you are wearing a long gown?

Speaking of dresses, Sandy, how did the bride look?

She looked really pretty, but the dress was unfortunate.

Why?

Well, she’s only four feet nine, and the dress had this huge full skirt, so when she first came out to walk down the aisle with her parents, we thought she was sitting down!

Are you kidding?

I’m serious, Linda.  Even Bob thought she was sitting on something, like a cart, and George and Emily were going to wheel her down the aisle!!

Oh my God!!!

Yeah, too much dress for a tiny person.  She really looked like an upside-down mushroom.

Well, more important, how did you look, Sandy?

Oh, I looked good, but I was in pain most of the night.

Why?  Your shoes?

No, the shoes were good, for once.  It was the dress.

What dress did you wear?

The green one, that I bought a year ago for Maxine’s daughter’s wedding, and the wedding was cancelled but I kept the dress anyway.

Oh, I love that dress.

I like it too, but it was too tight.

Oh, come on.

I am talking major thigh bulge.

So , didn’t you wear Spanx?

Yes, I wore Spanx, but they are so uncomfortable!!!

So, you just don’t eat.

Eat?  I couldn’t even breathe--they were giving me such a stomach ache.

What did you do?

I decided I was going to take them off.

In the middle of the wedding?  I hope you went into the ladies room.

Well, I was going to, but there was a problem.

What?

I had no place to put them. 

What about your purse?

My little evening purse, that’s so small it fits exactly one lipstick and half a tissue?

Oh.  So what did you do?

I told Bob I was cold, and could I wear his tux jacket for a minute to warm up, and then I went into the ladies room.

And you stuffed them in the pocket of his jacket?

Yup.

That must have been a nice look. Why didn’t you just throw them away?

Are you kidding, Linda?  I have to wear them again next weekend to the firm dinner dance!!

Well I hope you bring a bigger purse to that!!

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